The Conners

A few years back, I called Ned "Dan". (Ned's real name is neither Ned nor Dan. Haha me!!) The first few times, he looked quizzically at me, shook his head, and laughed weakly. Finally he straight-out asked me why I started calling him Dan. I answered honestly. "Because you're Dan, I'm Roseanne, and M.C.'s Jackie." His response? "You've got to be kidding me." followed by one of his elongated exhales.

     No. No, I'm not. We truly are the Connors. Moreso then than now. At the time, I would often find myself in my kitchen innocently doing laundry (or something normal and domestic, unlike anything Jackie was capable of), with Ned dozing on the couch in the front of the house. The front door would slam and I'd hear M.C.'s soothing voice- "How's it going, big guy?" and the slap of skin on skin as she gave him a passing high five. In my mind's eye, knowing Ned as I do, I saw his phony smile and tired eyes. "She's back."  I would straighten, ready for her, and she would appear, alarmingly friendly with a maniacal glint in her eyes. "Hey Jo-Jo, how's it going hon?" By this time her back would be to me, sillhouetted by the fridge, as she grabbed a bite to eat (unoffered) and headed down the backstairs to see what was going on downstairs. All the while oblivious to the fact she had woken up Ned, taken my dinner, and walked through my dirt pile. That was Jackie.Which made Ned Dan  And so I was unwittingly cast in the role of... Roseanne.  I wish I could say I am the least appropriate for my role. A blue collar housewife with a boundary-less sister?  A bad habit of laughing when the sister offends her normal, middle class, faded Levis wearing husband? Mocking obvious discomfort as her husband struggles for control? Me? Maybe then. Not so much anymore. Marriage got the best of me. These days, Jackie has boundaries outlined for her. It's almost sad how she knocks on the door before entering. How she takes off her boots instead of traipsing snow through the house. How she, with quiet dignity, asks if she can bring a dish for the family dinner that night. How she throws her apple core in the garbage instead of laughing at Ned (Dan)'s obvious repulsion at it being on the kitchen table for 3 hours. In retrospect, it was fun being the Connors. Well, it was fun for Jackie and Roseanne. Not so much for Dan.