Dysfunctional Women of Grace

I don't like groups. I didn't know this about myself until a few months ago when my sister (not Jackie. This one's a bit more socially dependable) told me that someone asked if I was interested in joining a group, and she answered for me: "She doesn't like groups." I was a bit taken aback, as I had never so succinctly realized that I don't like groups. It had always been situational, the dislike for the group I was in. I think if I had known this before, my life would have been a bit easier... Let's rewind to the last group I was in...
My happily-wholesome-but-not-really-wholesome friend Kiwi was, to my cynical mind, desperate to prove her leadership skills. So she started a group called "Women of Grace."  And I joined, because I felt that if I didn't join WOG, I must really be headed in the wrong direction. We met once a week and read books that had a correlating workbook.  (Not my scene. At. All. I prefer People mags, with the correlating crossword puzzle.) Anyway, there were a few "locals" there. Seeing people I have kind of "known" all my life tends to turn my innocent glass of  wine into a bottomless bottle. Why is it so awkward?  I'm pretty sure everyone there was just as awkward. Except for NikiD. She seemed to thrive on this stuff. NikiD had one modest glass of wine per meeting, and shared her thoughts and feelings with the group. NikiD had every question answered in her workbook, and smirked

when she saw my own wine-stained blank one. She filled me with terror when she would turn from her perch at the head of the group and her all-seeing eyes would rest on me. I would smile casually, and remind myself that I don't OWE her answers. I don't actually OWE anyone anything. All these desperate reminders while smiling benignly at NikiD. Then I would rebelliously get up, offer the group refills, and head to the bathroom to reapply eyeliner and let a few minutes go by.  I don't think I was the only one who squirmed through meetings. Someone in the group described it as the "most dysfunctional women's group they had ever seen." This person was a leader of various groups, and very experienced. When she said this, my guilt at the my lack of participation in becoming a Women of Grace was let go. It wasn't my fault. It was the group's fault!
And it's not a personal flaw in me that doesn't like groups; it's an innate understanding of human nature, given to the select few, that causes me to behave so rude and irresponsibly. It's my spirit being repelled at the chaotic dysfunction that is a "group." There will always be NikiD's, who see the order and power behind group activities. And there will always be the Me's, to show NikiD the haves and have-nots necessary to a successful group.