Is this an Identity Crisis?

Kiwi Herman is quitting drinking. Negative Ned started taking 2000mg of Vitamin D a day. He now sees the silver lining EVERYWHERE. Big Trish sees a slice of cheese as extra calories. And says no. Monie wears skinny jeans and knee boots. (Monie has been wearing Gap hoodies and bootcut jeans for EVER.) Jackie misses phone calls because of homework. I called my sister the other day and she was at the science museum. Randomly. What is happening?

Me amongst friends? And we ain't talkin' figures.

I'm pretty sure I'm at a crossroads. Now when I tell my mom what my friend (so what if they're 45? I'm only 28. Isn't that what matters?) screamed to a group of people across Elmwood, concern lines her face .Yes, she gets the humor. But she also gently tells me, in so many words, that my friend might be more than just funny. They might be an alcoholic. Oh sit.
Actually, I kind of think this whole crossroads is my mom's fault. (When in doubt, blame your mother!) For example, I really, really like Victoria's Secret clothes. Like, the normal ones. Pretty tunics. Button leggings. Grey knee boots. But every time I order something, I have a 10 million pound weight on my conscience. "Not schmart, Joey. You have three precious little girls. Have you seen their advertisements? If you don't tell them it's wrong, WHO WILL?"   Holy freakin' cow. Talk about responsibility. The worst part is she tries to keep it light by saying 'schmart' instead of smart, so I can't even retaliate. The most I can do is show her the serious knee showing in the Talbots ad.
Anyway, with all these people seemingly moving over and out (hello kiera, im johanna and I'm an alcoholic too. can you just wait like 2 more years?) and my mother's forbidding face in my mind, I am debating a lot of things. Why I can't just pray to the patron saints of vanity, addiction, and idolatry and wait for divine intervention?  And why doesn't anyone want to do this with me? I decided to turn to Ned to tell me if I've crossed that very, very fine line of fun and over the edge. (I think my whole life I will wonder if it's common knowledge that I am more than a little unhinged. It's a sick sick feeling when you realize you were the only one who thought last Thanksgiving was a PART-AY!) When I asked Ned his opinion on my crisis, he, with his new Vitamin D-induced clarity, said "You're fine, Jo. We all have work to do. I wouldn't worry about it." Gentle, yet firm. And didn't really answer the question. And...Ned thinks I have work to do? WTF? My crisis continues.